Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
