I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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