yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
