I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
