all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
