Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
