She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
