I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Randomize
