i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
