Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
