I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize