Having a random hookup so left but love u
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
