When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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