If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
