hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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