oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
