Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Randomize