i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
