well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
