Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
