You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
