Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
