You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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