I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
