since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It's blow job season.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
