It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
