I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
