wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize