I hate your face
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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