I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
