I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
