He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
