Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
