Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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