i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Randomize
