I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
