If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Randomize
