Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
