Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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