look no pants
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
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