I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
