I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
