Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
