She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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