Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The Olympian is in my bed
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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