I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
