my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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