hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
