FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
