Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
