I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
