The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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