we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Randomize
