My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
