I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Is Oprah even human
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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