I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize