Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
