My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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