saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
