i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Randomize
