do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
