You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It's just like the Real World with babies
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
